JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!
- Thread starter PeterB
- Start date
Tiger
Active Member
A man goes to the beach one day and sees a woman with no arms and legs crying. The man goes up to woman and asks whats wrong. "Well I've never been hugged before" the woman replies. The man hugs her to stop her heartache.
The next day the man goes back and sees the limbless woman is there, yet again crying. the man asks her what is wrong this time. "Well I've never been kissed" replies the woman. The man kisses her to sooth her pain.
The man goes back the next day and sees the limbless person crying a third time he asks her what is wrong. "Well I've never been f*cked."
The man picks up the stunned woman, throws her in the ocean and says "You are now".
Yippee 1000th post.
The next day the man goes back and sees the limbless woman is there, yet again crying. the man asks her what is wrong this time. "Well I've never been kissed" replies the woman. The man kisses her to sooth her pain.
The man goes back the next day and sees the limbless person crying a third time he asks her what is wrong. "Well I've never been f*cked."
The man picks up the stunned woman, throws her in the ocean and says "You are now".
Ubby
Member
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
switchblade81
Peace 'n' Chicken Grease
i got a bad one
Why was the dog scared of the tree?
Because it Barked at Him
hahahahahaha
Why was the dog scared of the tree?
Because it Barked at Him
hahahahahaha
2 blondes are sitting in the office
First blonde says: I'm goin to have a holiday
Second blonde says: How are you goin to do that
First blonde says: Just watch
Later that day there boss walks into the office and he see's that first blonde is hanging by the ceiling acting like a light bolb.
Boss says: i think you need a holiday
So the first blonde gets down and leaves
The boss turns around and sees that the second blonde is packing up her stuff
Boss says: and where do you think ur goin
Second blonde says: Well i carn't work in the dark can i.
hehehehehehehehehehehe i thought that one was pretty cool
First blonde says: I'm goin to have a holiday
Second blonde says: How are you goin to do that
First blonde says: Just watch
Later that day there boss walks into the office and he see's that first blonde is hanging by the ceiling acting like a light bolb.
Boss says: i think you need a holiday
So the first blonde gets down and leaves
The boss turns around and sees that the second blonde is packing up her stuff
Boss says: and where do you think ur goin
Second blonde says: Well i carn't work in the dark can i.
hehehehehehehehehehehe i thought that one was pretty cool
charliebrown
New Member
What is the difference between a bowling ball and a female cop??????
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!!!!!!!!!!
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!!!!!!!!!!
charliebrown
New Member
Why do women have 2 more brain cells then cows???
So when you play with their tits they dont crap all over you!!!!
So when you play with their tits they dont crap all over you!!!!
charliebrown
New Member
here's another one of those politically correct themes.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
charliebrown
New Member
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
charliebrown
New Member
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
charliebrown
New Member
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR KIDS
1. It's your fault were splitting up.
2. What do you mean you didn't nick it? I'm not made of money you know.
3. And remember - if your teacher gives you any gyp, chin him.
4. Here's a knife for the next time you get picked on.
5. Bring home some more of those computers from school.
6. You don’t want to believe everything you hear about fireworks.
7. Call that a bra?
8. Call that a ****?
9. I lost mine at 11; you’re not gay are you?
10. Where’s your piggy bank?
11. I only went with your mother because she’s dirty.
12. Your mums not always been a bloater you know.
13. Oh, she had loads of fellas before I turned up.
14. Yes, you were a mistake.
15. Yes, you were adopted.
16. Homework's for poof's.
17. Nicking cars is easy, everyone’s doing it.
18. Arson, prostitutes - they’re alright, but drugs...
19. Make sure they’re dead next time.
20. All those foreign kids are the same.
21. To be honest, your real dad could’ve been anyone in the rugby team.
22. You make babies by sticking it in their ears while they’re not looking.
23. Qualifications are for losers.
24. I'll stand outside the exam hall and shout the answers.
25. Get us a ticket for your school disco.
26. That Rebecca in your class, she’s alright isn’t she?
27. How do you spell "divorce"?
28. Soak it in ketchup and it’ll get bigger, I promise.
29. I only shagged them because I loved your mother.
30. I don’t care if it is your birthday; I’m having those trainers.
31. What’s wrong with sardines?
32. In my day, everyone lived on sardines.
33. They go well with peas.
34. Hide this packet in the garden, there’s a nasty policeman at the door.
35. If she puts her tongue in your mouth that’s it, you’re a father.
36. No means Yes.
37. What are you smoking lights for, you big girls blouse.
38. Bullies like people who stand up to them.
39. So do headmasters.
40. No, Ill cut your hair.
41. Borstal's not so bad.
42. Don’t worry, ugly kids do better in the end.
43. Sod your paper round, where my breakfast?
44. I said reader’s wives not readers digest.
45. Oh stop crying, you’ll easily fit up that chimney.
46. Don’t be ashamed, even daddy wets the bed sometimes.
47. Go on, it’s just like sherbet, but for your nose.
48. If you loved daddy, you would.
49. Don’t listen to your mum, it’s yours and you can wash it as fast as you like.
1. It's your fault were splitting up.
2. What do you mean you didn't nick it? I'm not made of money you know.
3. And remember - if your teacher gives you any gyp, chin him.
4. Here's a knife for the next time you get picked on.
5. Bring home some more of those computers from school.
6. You don’t want to believe everything you hear about fireworks.
7. Call that a bra?
8. Call that a ****?
9. I lost mine at 11; you’re not gay are you?
10. Where’s your piggy bank?
11. I only went with your mother because she’s dirty.
12. Your mums not always been a bloater you know.
13. Oh, she had loads of fellas before I turned up.
14. Yes, you were a mistake.
15. Yes, you were adopted.
16. Homework's for poof's.
17. Nicking cars is easy, everyone’s doing it.
18. Arson, prostitutes - they’re alright, but drugs...
19. Make sure they’re dead next time.
20. All those foreign kids are the same.
21. To be honest, your real dad could’ve been anyone in the rugby team.
22. You make babies by sticking it in their ears while they’re not looking.
23. Qualifications are for losers.
24. I'll stand outside the exam hall and shout the answers.
25. Get us a ticket for your school disco.
26. That Rebecca in your class, she’s alright isn’t she?
27. How do you spell "divorce"?
28. Soak it in ketchup and it’ll get bigger, I promise.
29. I only shagged them because I loved your mother.
30. I don’t care if it is your birthday; I’m having those trainers.
31. What’s wrong with sardines?
32. In my day, everyone lived on sardines.
33. They go well with peas.
34. Hide this packet in the garden, there’s a nasty policeman at the door.
35. If she puts her tongue in your mouth that’s it, you’re a father.
36. No means Yes.
37. What are you smoking lights for, you big girls blouse.
38. Bullies like people who stand up to them.
39. So do headmasters.
40. No, Ill cut your hair.
41. Borstal's not so bad.
42. Don’t worry, ugly kids do better in the end.
43. Sod your paper round, where my breakfast?
44. I said reader’s wives not readers digest.
45. Oh stop crying, you’ll easily fit up that chimney.
46. Don’t be ashamed, even daddy wets the bed sometimes.
47. Go on, it’s just like sherbet, but for your nose.
48. If you loved daddy, you would.
49. Don’t listen to your mum, it’s yours and you can wash it as fast as you like.
charliebrown
New Member
2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
charliebrown
New Member
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
> * You have two cows.
> * You sell one and buy a bull.
> * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> * You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
> * You have two cows.
> * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
> credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
> debt/equity
> swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
> with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
> transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned
> by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
> your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
> with
> an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
> States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
> release. The public buys your bull.
>
> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
> produce 20 times the milk
> * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
> them
> worldwide.
>
> A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
> milk themselves.
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * Both are mad.
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> * You break for lunch.
>
> A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You count them and learn you have five cows.
> * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION:
> * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> * You charge others for storing them.
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You have 300 people milking them.
> * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
> newsman who reported the numbers.
>
> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * That one on the left is kinda cute...
> * You have two cows.
> * You sell one and buy a bull.
> * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> * You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
> * You have two cows.
> * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
> credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
> debt/equity
> swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
> with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
> transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned
> by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
> your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
> with
> an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
> States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
> release. The public buys your bull.
>
> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
> produce 20 times the milk
> * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
> them
> worldwide.
>
> A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
> milk themselves.
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * Both are mad.
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> * You break for lunch.
>
> A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You count them and learn you have five cows.
> * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION:
> * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> * You charge others for storing them.
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * You have 300 people milking them.
> * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
> newsman who reported the numbers.
>
> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
> * You have two cows.
> * That one on the left is kinda cute...
charliebrown
New Member
THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a ****.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a ****.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
charliebrown
New Member
Signs That You Are Too Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen
20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
21. Roseanne looks good.
22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
23. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
24. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
26. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
27. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen
20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
21. Roseanne looks good.
22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
23. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
24. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
26. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
27. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
charliebrown
New Member
Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Mick first, he asks "What do you believe?"
Mick looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what you believe in."
God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left. He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?"
Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe courage, honour, and passion are the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!"
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Nathan the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Eddie. "And you, Mr Maguire. What do you believe?
"I believe", says Eddie, "that you are in my seat"
Addressing Mick first, he asks "What do you believe?"
Mick looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what you believe in."
God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left. He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?"
Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe courage, honour, and passion are the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!"
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Nathan the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Eddie. "And you, Mr Maguire. What do you believe?
"I believe", says Eddie, "that you are in my seat"
charliebrown
New Member
>>Official Male Sensitivity Test
> >>
> >>1. In the company of females, intercourse should be
> >>referred to as:
> >>
> >>A. Lovemaking.
> >>B. Screwing.
> >>C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
> >>
> >>2. You should make love to a woman for the first time
> >>only after you've both shared:
> >>
> >>A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual
> >>relationship.
> >>B. Your blood-test results.
> >>C. Five tequila slammers.
> >>
> >>3. You time your orgasm so that:
> >>
> >>A. Your partner climaxes first.
> >>B. You both climax simultaneously.
> >>C. You don't miss Sports Tonight.
> >>
> >>4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor
> >>is:
> >>
> >>A. Healthy, creative love-play.
> >>B. Not the sort of thing yourwife/girlfriend would
> >>agree to.
> >>C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to
> >>ever find out about.
> >>
> >>5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've
> >>just had sex with is:
> >>
> >>A. The best part of the experience.
> >>B. The second best part of the experience.
> >>C. $100 extra.
> >>
> >>6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds
> >>in the last month. You tell her that it is:
> >>
> >>A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for
> >>her.
> >>B. Not a problem,she can join your gym.
> >>C. A conservative estimate.
> >>
> >>7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
> >>
> >>A. A myth.
> >>B. An oxymoron.
> >>C. A moron.
> >>
> >>8. Foreplay is to sex as:
> >>
> >>A. An appetizer is to entree.
> >>B. Primer is to paint.
> >>C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
> >>
> >>9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
> >>yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
> >>
> >>A. "I hope we can still be friends."
> >>B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at
> >>the beep."
> >>C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
> >>
> >>10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
> >>masturbate:
> >>
> >>A. Probably needs a little more time before she can
> >>cope with that sort of intimacy.
> >>B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
> >>C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
> >>first place.
> >>
> >>Evaluating Results:
> >>
> >>If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your
> >>pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
> >>
> >>If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into
> >>therapy. You're a little confused.
> >>
> >>If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
> >>
> >>1. In the company of females, intercourse should be
> >>referred to as:
> >>
> >>A. Lovemaking.
> >>B. Screwing.
> >>C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
> >>
> >>2. You should make love to a woman for the first time
> >>only after you've both shared:
> >>
> >>A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual
> >>relationship.
> >>B. Your blood-test results.
> >>C. Five tequila slammers.
> >>
> >>3. You time your orgasm so that:
> >>
> >>A. Your partner climaxes first.
> >>B. You both climax simultaneously.
> >>C. You don't miss Sports Tonight.
> >>
> >>4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor
> >>is:
> >>
> >>A. Healthy, creative love-play.
> >>B. Not the sort of thing yourwife/girlfriend would
> >>agree to.
> >>C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to
> >>ever find out about.
> >>
> >>5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've
> >>just had sex with is:
> >>
> >>A. The best part of the experience.
> >>B. The second best part of the experience.
> >>C. $100 extra.
> >>
> >>6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds
> >>in the last month. You tell her that it is:
> >>
> >>A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for
> >>her.
> >>B. Not a problem,she can join your gym.
> >>C. A conservative estimate.
> >>
> >>7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
> >>
> >>A. A myth.
> >>B. An oxymoron.
> >>C. A moron.
> >>
> >>8. Foreplay is to sex as:
> >>
> >>A. An appetizer is to entree.
> >>B. Primer is to paint.
> >>C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
> >>
> >>9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
> >>yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
> >>
> >>A. "I hope we can still be friends."
> >>B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at
> >>the beep."
> >>C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
> >>
> >>10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
> >>masturbate:
> >>
> >>A. Probably needs a little more time before she can
> >>cope with that sort of intimacy.
> >>B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
> >>C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
> >>first place.
> >>
> >>Evaluating Results:
> >>
> >>If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your
> >>pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
> >>
> >>If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into
> >>therapy. You're a little confused.
> >>
> >>If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
charliebrown
New Member
Here is one I've got for you:
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman nshopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power,"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!
Man puts ad in local newspaper. "Selling brandnew encyclopedia set. No longer have need for books, just got married and wife knows EVERYTHING!"
Enjoy
"Is it nice, my preciousss? Is it juicy? Is it scrumptiously crunchable?" -Smeagol
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman nshopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power,"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!
Man puts ad in local newspaper. "Selling brandnew encyclopedia set. No longer have need for books, just got married and wife knows EVERYTHING!"
Enjoy
"Is it nice, my preciousss? Is it juicy? Is it scrumptiously crunchable?" -Smeagol
charliebrown
New Member
A shy but handsome fellow was at a club and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he meanders back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 an hour!"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he meanders back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 an hour!"
charliebrown
New Member
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
