JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

[charliebrown]

What's in a Picture?
After a long night of passion, young Malcolm rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

Malcolm opened the bedside drawer and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, Malcolm began to worry. "Er...Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied", snuggling up to him.

"Well, Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered Malcolm.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me.....before the operation."

 

[charliebrown]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to
them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a ****tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn ****tail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

 

[charliebrown]

The School Report

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."

 

[charliebrown]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant."

"How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my dog back?"

 

[charliebrown]

The Ultimate Response to a to Dear John Letter

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he
received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained
that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to
break up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then
mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the
one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

 

[charliebrown]

Giorgio is in this country town for about 6 months, he walks to work
every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.
Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do
you weara the red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says " Yes,
Giorgio,I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you lika them?

>Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her
"Rosa,do you weara the white panties tonight?" Rosa answers!, " Yes,
Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you lika them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played.
Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face
turns red. He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell
me you weara no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true," Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says .. "Thanka God...thought I had a CRACK in
my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes."

 

[charliebrown]

Three young pregnant mothers meet up for coffee at the local cafe for a chat.One was a redhead, one a brunette and the other a blonde. They started discussing what sex they thought their new unborn child would be.
The Redhead said "Mine is definitely going to be a boy, because when I conceived I was on top"
The Brunette said "Mine will be a girl because my husband was on top
when I conceived"
Next minute they both looked at the blonde and saw that she was
crying, what's matter they asked?
The Blonde replied " I THINK I'M HAVING PUPPIES "

 

[Tiger]

Three young pregnant mothers meet up for coffee at the local cafe for a chat.One was a redhead, one a brunette and the other a blonde. They started discussing what sex they thought their new unborn child would be.
The Redhead said "Mine is definitely going to be a boy, because when I conceived I was on top"
The Brunette said "Mine will be a girl because my husband was on top
when I conceived"
Next minute they both looked at the blonde and saw that she was
crying, what's matter they asked?
The Blonde replied " I THINK I'M HAVING PUPPIES "

Hahahahahaha I'll pay that!!

 

[Tiger]

A bunch of bricklayers at a convent, and one of the brickies wants a shower so he asks the Nun where the showers are, so she takes him to the shower block.
A short time later the brickie's standing there in the shower and he sees the Nun again and says "Hey sister! Can you come here please?"
So she waddles over and points at his "old-fella" and says "What's that thing?"
"Oh that's a flower", says the brickie, "If you touch it, it'll blossom, do you want to try it?"
The Nun says "Oh yes ok!" grabs it, and squeezes it and it blossoms.
So she runs to the Mother Superior and says "An amazing thing just happened!"
"One of the bricklayers had a flower between his legs and I grabbed it and it blossomed!"
"Yeah that'd be bloody right", said the Mother Superior, "the little bastard told me the other day it was a trumpet and I had to blow on it!"

 

[Tiger]

A girl is in confessional with a priest, "I touched a boy yesterday" said the girl.
"Two Hail Mary's for your sins!" says the priest.
"Wait, there's more" said the girl. "Go ahead" says the priest, "You tell me all of your sins."
"I kissed a boy yesterday" said the girl. "Ok, 3 Hail Mary's and 2 Our Father's as pennance for your sins!" says the priest.
"Wait Father, there's more", says the girl. "Carry on!" says the priest.
"Yesterday I gave a boy a blow-job" says the girl.
The priest thinks of what her pennance shall be, and can't think of what the appropriate pennace should be, so he yells to Father Tom, "Father Tom! What's a blow-job worth?"
"Oh about thirty bucks if it's a good one!" yells Father Tom.

 

[Bub]

Mickey Mouse goes to court to divorce Minnie.
The judge says " You can't divorce Minnie just because she is stupid".
And Mickey replies "I "didn't say she was stupid I said she was ****ing Goofy.

 

[Blonde_brunette_lis]

What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler!

HAHAHAHA THATS SO FUNNY! AHAHA
i love baby jokes

 

[GaryH]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Hey Tonx, is she a friend of yours???

 

[SCOOTER_26]

A man came home from work one day and found
$25 000 and 8 golf balls at the bottom of his wife’s closet. When his wife came home
He said where did u get all that money from and why are there golf balls in the bottom of your closet, I didn’t know you played golf.
The wife says, for every time I’ve cheated on you I add 1 golf ball.
The husband says, that doesn’t explain the money
The wife says, when I get up to 12 golf balls I go down to the counter at the golf course and sell the set for $5

 

[Andrew S.]

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of
peaches.." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied
that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in
the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[Hemiway]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks
towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the
shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Hemiway]

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.
A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.
The guy says 'I'd like a quickie'.
The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order.' The guys says, 'I'd really like a quickie'.
The waitress angrily storms off after this.
Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche...'

 

[Blonde_brunette_lis]

i know we might be past the baby jokes.. but i like em!

Q. whats worse than a pile of dead babies?

A. the live one in the middle trying to eat its way out!



Q. whats worse that 10 babies in one bin?

A. one baby in 10 bins!

hehe poor babies...

 

[mongoliantreesloth]

Wun Hung Lo Chinese Reataurant
Carry Out Menu
MEAT DISHES
1. Bol Oxs - Hot Meat Balls
2. Sur Kum Sihz - Sausage Slices
3. Hol Mein Kok - Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4. Dik Sor - Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chilli powder
5. Eja Kul Lait - Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6. Rek Tum Blok - Oversized baked sausage
7. Long Dik - Coq in van
8. Yu Nux - Meatball extract
9. Veri Ti Rin - Massive extrusion of forcemeat
VEGETABLES
10. Stik Wan Kin - Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Son - Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat - Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu - Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik - Young sprouts
15. Du Reks - Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See - Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat - Thick white rice on ryebread
SAUCES
18. Pei Sol - Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip - Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum - Hot custard
21. Tor Soff - Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd - Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol - Invisible brown sauce without nuts
SPECIALITIES
24. Lik Mein - Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu - Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei - Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo - Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag - Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo - Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee - Pick of the week
DESSERTS
31. Vee Dee - Spotted ****
32. Kum In Yu - Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong - Crepe suzette
34. Kum Lots - Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik - Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann - Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee - Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum - Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies - Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo - Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak - Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere - Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong - Chinese snifters
44. Kwik **** - Cream slice
BEVERAGES
45. Yu Rine - Jasmine Tea
46. Wob Li Tit - Milk Shake
Chopsticks extra.

 

[charliebrown]

Aussie Citizenship Test

How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime.
Weather continues fine.

How many beers in a slab?

Does "yeah-nah" mean "Yes and no" or "Maybe" or "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

Name three of the Daddo brothers.

Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

Who are Scott and Charlene?

How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? 1993, 1997, 2001 or 2005?

What is someone more likely to die of:
1) Red Back Spider
2) Great White Shark
3) Victorian Police Officer
4) King Brown Snake
5) Your missus after a big night
6) Dropbear?

How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sahn?

Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

Is it best to take a sick day:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the crickets on?

What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

What are Budgie smugglers?

Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

What does having a 'chunder' mean?

When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

What do the following terms mean:
a) Mate?
b) Maate
c) Maaaaaaate?

Best Aussie name is?
a) Cheryl
b) Charlene
c) Bazza
d) Thommo
e) Shazza

What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?