JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

[Ice]

Part 2 What a man really means!

"I'm going fishing."
Really means
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means
"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means
"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means
"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
Really means
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means
"It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means
"She dumped me."

 

[Gary]

Take a breath ICE love it you guy's you do the work and i laugh

Gary...........................................

 

[~Mrs STORM~]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "then put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose. The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

[Whasup!]

A woman goes to a lingerie party and for something different decides to purchase a pair of crotchless knickers to spice up things at home with the hubby....once home she takes a shower and puts the knickers on.... wrapping a bathrobe around her she then goes to the sofa and eagerly awaits the arrival of her husband from work.....10 minutes later hubby walks in the door... looking mortified at his wife spread eagle on the couch he asks what are you doing.... opening her legs wider she replies "so babe would you like a bit of this?"
to which the hubby relies " @#ck no look what it's done to your undies"

 

[Ice]

ROFLMAO!!!!

 

[GaryH]

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK You could put a freaking grenade in my mouth, pull the freaking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my freaking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the freaking 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK --------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

 

[~Mrs STORM~]

10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[tonx]

gary: That was my favourite one so far.

Thanks and Well Done!!!!

here's another, no offence intended people!!!
Subject: EARTHQUAKE ROCKS LAVINGTON

Associated Press (AP) 20 September 2005, 01:32 (Sydney, Australia)
EARTHQUAKE ROCKS LAVINGTON

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre believed just north of the City of Albury in regional NSW. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin 'ell" and "Whadda baaarst'd".

The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000. Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Garrison Hotel, were destroyed in the quake. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques
arrived.

Albury radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area. one resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Levi-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when
I was watching Jerry Springer later in the morning".

The people of Lavington are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying oo as normal.

The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so
far managed to ship 4,000 cases each of Bundy & Coke and PJ Durries to the
area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching
through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings,
which include Centrelink booklets, Bronco tee shirts, Acca Dacca
cassettes, Holden HSV bedding covers, Priceline jewellery and fine bone
china from Bi-Lo.

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be
air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this
disaster. Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed include
baseball caps; tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts (female);
footy socks; ugg boots; and any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pups (Dagwood Dogs), doner kebabs,
McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke; Passion Pop
and XXXX Bitter.

Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet.
$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms; $5.00 buys
chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of
nine; $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter to calm
the nerves of those affected.

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected
suburb, as the sight of high socio-economic housing is unfair on the
residents of neighbouring areas.

 

[tonx]

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off.
They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return.
The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"
She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven.
Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it.
"The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out.
By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,
"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her,
"OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies,







"I peed in the holy water..."

 

[PeterB]

For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition.$1000 or best offer. No longer needed ... got married last weekend. Wife knows F**king EVERYTHING!!!

 

[PeterB]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+! 14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

 

[terry parsalidis]

what do you get when you cross a 4wd and a sheep a bull baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 

[GaryH]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like a melon round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"

Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

[Whasup!]

]A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you
have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[Sum Random]

Heres one,

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?





ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF BUT ITS A BIT HARD TO PEE SOUP!

 

[Tiger]

Alright I'll bite, here's a couple of quick ones:

Guy walks into a pub with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The barman says to him, "hey mate. You know there's a steering wheel down the front of your pants?" The guy replies, "yeah i know. It's drivin' me nuts".

▼▼▼▼▼▼

Penguin's car breaks down so he calls the RACV. A Walrus rolls up and starts fixing the Penguins car. Penguin keeps interupting asking "whats wrong with the car"
In the end Walrus tells Penguin to take off and come back in 15 mins. With this Penguin see's an Ice-Cream Parlour and heads in. After indulging in his 5th vanilla ice-cream he remembers his car and quickly runs back. As soon as he's there he asks "so whats wrong"
Walrus studying the motor turns and looks at the Penguin and says "it looks like you've blown a seal"
The Penguin quickly wipes his mouth with his sleeve and replies "NO...I've been eating ice-cream"

 

[Grumpy gills]

1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Well now ain't that the truth!!

 

[Ash]

SOME CRAP ADVICE

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

When all else fails, lower your standards

If at first you don't succeed, call it a day and have a beer

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy who can retire at 40 and laugh at everyone else slogging away for the next twenty five years

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of others

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Red meat isn't bad for you. Furry grey meat is bad for you

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight

The things that come to those who wait are the things those who got there first didn't want

Don't forget that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Live every day as if it is your last. Eventually you'll be right

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his chest open

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket

Place an old hub cap at the end of a sticky tape roll to make it easier to find

Remember that a clear conscience is usually the sign of a weak memory

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody

Remember the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

He who laughs last just got the joke

The meek will inherit the earth, after everyone else has finished with it

 

[Ash]

This ones a bit long... but well worth the read...

------------------------------------------------------------

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
__________________________________________________________

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca-last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

----------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

------------------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

(rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic ning nong whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(rebecca)

As*hole.

----------------------------------------------------------

(gary)

B*tch.

----------------------------------------------------------

(rebecca)

W*nker.

----------------------------------------------------------

(gary)

sl*t.

---------------------------------------------------------

(rebecca)

Get ****ed.

----------------------------------------------------------

(gary)

Eat sh*t.

--------------------------------------------------------

(rebecca)

**** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

(gary)

Go drink some tea - wh*re.

**********************************************

(teacher)

A+ I really liked this one.

 

[Ash]

one more...

New words added to the 2000 version of the Dictionary:

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career Limiting Move (CLM) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she isw ithin earshot is a serious CLM.

Microserf - The little people who make the organization work, well below the adminisphere. These are the people who are convinced Dilbert is written by someone in their own cube farm.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404-URL Not Found," meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Usage: "Don't bother asking him...he's 404,m an."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, stripm alls, subdivisions. Usage: "We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um...friend."

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two
Children, And Oppressive Mortgage".

DINKs - Same yupies before they become SITCOMs. Dual-Income, No Kids.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal:& quote;We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."