T
terry parsalidis
what do you call a very fast camel a speed hump
JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!
- Thread starter PeterB
- Start date
G
GaryH
Due to inherit a fortune when his father died, Dave decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars."
The woman went home with Dave, and four days later she became his stepmother.................
Men will never learn!
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars."
The woman went home with Dave, and four days later she became his stepmother.................
Men will never learn!
G
Gavin A
Two nuns have been told they can redecorate their church.
They start painting their rooms when one says to the other.....
"We should take off our habits so we don't get paint on them"
Nun 2 "I agree, no-one is around, maybe we can paint naked"
and with a giggle, they strip down and continue painting
All of a sudden there's a Knock... knock at the door!
"Who's that" they both reply obviously very worried someone will see them starkers......
" 'tis the blind man"
The two nuns look at each other in relief "well it's only the blind man....he can't see that we are naked"
Nun 1 " Come in sir"
Blind man " WOW!.....Nice tits!!......where would you like the blinds?"
They start painting their rooms when one says to the other.....
"We should take off our habits so we don't get paint on them"
Nun 2 "I agree, no-one is around, maybe we can paint naked"
and with a giggle, they strip down and continue painting
All of a sudden there's a Knock... knock at the door!
"Who's that" they both reply obviously very worried someone will see them starkers......
" 'tis the blind man"
The two nuns look at each other in relief "well it's only the blind man....he can't see that we are naked"
Nun 1 " Come in sir"
Blind man " WOW!.....Nice tits!!......where would you like the blinds?"
eagles_rule2005
New Member
Your mumma is so old she owes jesus a dollar
Your mumma is so old moses is in her year book
your mumma is so dumb she pissd her self in a locked toliet
your mumma is so dumb she brang a spoon 2 da superbowl
your mumma is so dumb she locked her self in a motorcycle
your mumma is so dumb she slept on the floor in 40 winks
your mumma is so dumb she starved 2 death in food for less
your mumma is so hairy wen she lifts up her arm it looks like she has don king in da head lock
your mumma is so fat wen a bus hit her she sed who throw dat rock
your mumma is so fat wen she went to jenny craig they sed sorry we dont do miricales
your mumma is so fat on her birthday she wishd dat jenny craig did do miricles
God invented flies 2 beat ur mum 2 da dumpster
your mum is like a hardware store 5 cents a bolt 10 cents a screw
your mum is like a fire hydrant on every corner
Your mumma is so old moses is in her year book
your mumma is so dumb she pissd her self in a locked toliet
your mumma is so dumb she brang a spoon 2 da superbowl
your mumma is so dumb she locked her self in a motorcycle
your mumma is so dumb she slept on the floor in 40 winks
your mumma is so dumb she starved 2 death in food for less
your mumma is so hairy wen she lifts up her arm it looks like she has don king in da head lock
your mumma is so fat wen a bus hit her she sed who throw dat rock
your mumma is so fat wen she went to jenny craig they sed sorry we dont do miricales
your mumma is so fat on her birthday she wishd dat jenny craig did do miricles
God invented flies 2 beat ur mum 2 da dumpster
your mum is like a hardware store 5 cents a bolt 10 cents a screw
your mum is like a fire hydrant on every corner
G
GaryH
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than the real thing!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better start explaining yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy......
you explain the kids."
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than the real thing!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better start explaining yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy......
you explain the kids."
Toshio
Videogame Master!
The Pepper Shaker
On their anniversary night, the blonde husband sat his wife down in the bedroom with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her harried blond husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffing' it through those dumb little holes."
Toshio
On their anniversary night, the blonde husband sat his wife down in the bedroom with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her harried blond husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffing' it through those dumb little holes."
Toshio
Toshio
Videogame Master!
Hunting Blondes
Two Blonde guys were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first blonde says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.
The blonde answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Toshio
Two Blonde guys were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first blonde says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.
The blonde answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Toshio
Toshio
Videogame Master!
Blonde Police
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: "May I see your licence?
Lady: "What does it look like?"
Officer: "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says: "If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Toshio
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: "May I see your licence?
Lady: "What does it look like?"
Officer: "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says: "If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Toshio
tonx
New Member
A blonde farmer in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for
wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance.
He asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead
will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has
to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take,and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home falls
listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the Sheep are lying in the
grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn".
sorry to the NZders reading this, I posted it from another forum
wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance.
He asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead
will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has
to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take,and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home falls
listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the Sheep are lying in the
grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn".
sorry to the NZders reading this, I posted it from another forum
tonx
New Member
Here is another one
YOUR FIRST TIME...
It's your first time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
refuses to be swayed as
he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time
his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him - he's done this many
times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
more room for an easy
entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his
time, wanting to cause you as little pain as
possible. As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues. He
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful.Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod
for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel
something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
chuckle; that you have been
his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After
all,it was your first time to have
a tooth pulled.
Naughty,
Naughty!
What were you thinkin' ?
PERVERT
I know what you were thinking!
YOUR FIRST TIME...
It's your first time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
refuses to be swayed as
he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time
his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him - he's done this many
times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
more room for an easy
entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his
time, wanting to cause you as little pain as
possible. As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues. He
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful.Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod
for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel
something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
chuckle; that you have been
his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After
all,it was your first time to have
a tooth pulled.
Naughty,
Naughty!
What were you thinkin' ?
PERVERT
I know what you were thinking!
T
terry parsalidis
to blondes walk into a building, u would at least one of them would have seen the door
Missy89
Mad Chick!
by the way, that joke has been said, lol
anyway, i have an interesting joke
A priest goes to buy a parrot. He talks to the owner about the parrot.
Priest- "So what characteristics does this bird have?"
Owner-"Well this parrot is a religious parrot!"
The priest being quite enthusiastic about this asks some more questions.
Priest-"What are the strings attached to his feet for?"
Owner-"Well if you pull the left one he sings the lords prayer and if you pull the right one he chants the 23rd psalm!"
The priest was sold, he brought out his check book and began writing, as he was writing, he asked another question.
Priest-"What happens when you pull both strings"
Parrot-"I fall off my F***ing perch you piece of Cr*p!!!"
anyway, i have an interesting joke
A priest goes to buy a parrot. He talks to the owner about the parrot.
Priest- "So what characteristics does this bird have?"
Owner-"Well this parrot is a religious parrot!"
The priest being quite enthusiastic about this asks some more questions.
Priest-"What are the strings attached to his feet for?"
Owner-"Well if you pull the left one he sings the lords prayer and if you pull the right one he chants the 23rd psalm!"
The priest was sold, he brought out his check book and began writing, as he was writing, he asked another question.
Priest-"What happens when you pull both strings"
Parrot-"I fall off my F***ing perch you piece of Cr*p!!!"
T
terry parsalidis
where did the blonde go to buy a mouse for her computer, a pet shop what do you call a smart blonde, a labrador
Ice
Member
Missy, that jogged my memory of this one!
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Jim phones his office in the morning and says to his boss
'boss im not coming in today,im sik
his boss says 'excatly how sik are ya?'
Jim replies' well im in bed wif my sister!'
Ten things NOT to say to your new girlfriends parents
1 my parole officer thinks sara has a calming effect on me
2 did you see that saucer that flew ova town yesterday?
3which one of u taught sara to give such great head?
4 can u belive it! those ****heads at the corner market wont cash my welfare cheque!
5 Were goin to keep our relelationship quiet for now.my wife can be rather vindictive at times
6 Those home pregnacy kits arnt very reliable ,in my opinion
7sara is so pretty ive deciced to give up being bisexual just for her
8 nice place u have here.that painting looks expensive.i bet a nice home like this came wif a safe already built in, didnt it?
9 there aint nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV tests are negivtive! i bet sara's will be ok too
10 can i pull my car in your garage? i dont no how long the cop car will stay lost.
'boss im not coming in today,im sik
his boss says 'excatly how sik are ya?'
Jim replies' well im in bed wif my sister!'
Ten things NOT to say to your new girlfriends parents
1 my parole officer thinks sara has a calming effect on me
2 did you see that saucer that flew ova town yesterday?
3which one of u taught sara to give such great head?
4 can u belive it! those ****heads at the corner market wont cash my welfare cheque!
5 Were goin to keep our relelationship quiet for now.my wife can be rather vindictive at times
6 Those home pregnacy kits arnt very reliable ,in my opinion
7sara is so pretty ive deciced to give up being bisexual just for her
8 nice place u have here.that painting looks expensive.i bet a nice home like this came wif a safe already built in, didnt it?
9 there aint nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV tests are negivtive! i bet sara's will be ok too
10 can i pull my car in your garage? i dont no how long the cop car will stay lost.
A guy goes to a tattoo palour and offers the tattoo artist $1000 to tattoo a $100 note on his cock. the artist agrees, but is cuious and askes the man y he wants do this. the man replies 'i have my but i rather not to tell u at the moment.the artist goes aheadand does the job.but all the while he is anxious curiosity over why the man wants a $100 note on his penis. so he tells the man that he can have his $1000 bak if he tells him the reason for putting $100 note on his cock.
Ok says the man. first i like to play wif my money. second ,i like to watch my money grow and third if my wife wants to blow $100 , she can stay at home to do it.
Ok says the man. first i like to play wif my money. second ,i like to watch my money grow and third if my wife wants to blow $100 , she can stay at home to do it.
Ice
Member
Courtesy of Den
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon
all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he
got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out
of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley
they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon
all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he
got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out
of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley
they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
charliebrown
New Member
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AND A WOMAN? ONCE YOUR DONE WITH THE BREAST AND THE THIGHS ALL YOU'VE GOT LEFT IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN LOL
T
terry parsalidis
why was the blonde in the post office, she was looking to buy stamps for her emails, latest blonde invention air bags in dogem cars
