JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

[charliebrown]

An Australian couple on holidays in NZ were driving down a country road (1/2 km from Wellington) when the wife said to her husband "..is that man doing what I think to that poor sheep!!"
The husband stops the car and takes a second look "looks like he is, well I always wondered if all the stories were true, now we know."
He winds down the window and yells out "Hey you, yeah the one romancing the bone with that sheep, in Australia we shear our sheep!"
The kiwi yells back "Piss off mate; I'm not sharing my Sheep with anyone."

 

[charliebrown]

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts; "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break." "I'm not a bloody carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you... I'm going to the pub!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out. As he walks in the door, he notices that the steps are already fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and he notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked. She replied, "HELLO!!!..... Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

 

[charliebrown]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[charliebrown]

Here are some interesting definitions:
Communism: You have 2 cows, the government takes 1 and gives you part of the milk.
Socialism: You have 2 cows, the government takes 1 cow and gives it to your neighbor.
Fascism: You have 2 cows, the government takes both, and sells you the milk.
Naziism: You have 2 cows, the government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have 2 cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks one and pours milk down the drain.
Capitalism: (Of course we understand this one) you have 2 cows, you sell one, and buy a bull.

 

[charliebrown]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[charliebrown]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the AFL Grand Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the MCG he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the great southern stand - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the centre line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Grand Final and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.

 

[charliebrown]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
> > audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see
> the
> > Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> >
> > "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks,
> > "Excuse me, YourExcellency, but are there any dwarf
> > nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
> > thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
> in
> > Rome."
> > In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
> > and gives them a glare, silencing them.
> >
> > Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> > Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
> > answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of
> > the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and
> > silences them with an angry glare.
> >
> > Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf
> > nuns any where in the world?" After consulting with
> > his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son,there're no dwarf
> nuns
> > anywhere in the world."
> >
> > The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
> > floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......"
> > Dopey f%*ked a penguin!
> > Dopey f%*ked a penguin!"................

 

[charliebrown]

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St. Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St.Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but says "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it!!"

 

[charliebrown]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it!"

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike."

 

[charliebrown]

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don't worry Maria,” says the mother. "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria." says her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs." "Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half." "Stay here and stir the pasta." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

 

[charliebrown]

Dear God...

Little Jamie came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His Birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Jamie was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home on many occasions. Jamie's mum asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Jamie, of course thought he did.

Jamie's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Jamie to reflect on his behaviour over the last year.

"Go to your room, Jamie, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Jamie stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God letter.

LETTER 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Jamie

Jamie knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2

Dear God,

This is your friend, Jamie. I have been a pretty good boy this year and would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend,

Jamie

Jamie knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank You,

Jamie

Jamie knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Jamie wrote another letter.

LETTER 4

God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Please!

Thank you,

Jamie

Jamie knew, even if it was true, that this letter was not going to get him bike. By now, he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mum that he wanted to go to church. Jamie's mother thought her plan had worked as Jamie looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Jamie's mother told him.

Jamie walked down the street to the church on the corner.

He went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Jamie bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the Street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Jamie began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5

God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO!!!!!!!

 

[charliebrown]

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nah" said the bloke, "... I'm just a really bad conductor."

 

[charliebrown]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me...
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[charliebrown]

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show
it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car a truck comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five
minutes later the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any question the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.
> >>
No matter how long it's with the panel beater it'll never be the same again.
> >>
> >>
After the lawyer finally finishes his ranting and raving the
policeman finally shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are", he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything in your life."
> >>
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
> >>
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
> >>
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F*£$ing hell!" he screams.
> >>
"Where's my Rolex?"

 

[charliebrown]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. One
day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her
husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
.
The little boy says "It's dark in here."
The man whispers "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - " $ 250."
.
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks "How much?"
Boy - " $ 750."
Man - "Fine."
.
A few days later, the father says to the boy "Grab your ball and glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says "I can't. I sold
them."
.
The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says " $ 1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's
way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
.
The boy says "It's dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that **** again!"

 

[charliebrown]

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

 

[charliebrown]

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

 

[charliebrown]

A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin.

"I'm not hiring no dumb fock paddy from Dublin," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh! feck aff dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. The Dub replies, "Ain't ye got no brains? Tree'nTree'nTree makes 9. Are ye feckin' tick or wa?"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99." Paddy stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ye arre, me mucker." The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Paddy says "Each a de trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-daa makes 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the Dubliner so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture once more, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ye arre, buddy, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!" Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of the trees.

"See der? Well a little feckin' doggie comes along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd-which makes a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does!!! When do I feckin' start?"

 

[charliebrown]

An ACTUAL account of a recent meeting between George W Bush and Condoleeza Rice...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the UN.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the UN?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too....

 

[charliebrown]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."