JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

A family of collingwood supporters are doing their daily shoplifting at Rebel Sport. The young son's walking around and finds a Carlton jumper. He holds up the jumper and yells out to his sister, "Hey Tart... I'm sick of being a Collingwood supporter. From now on I'm supporting Carlton!"
The sister comes up to him, belts him over the head, and screams, "You idiot, you go tell Mum what you told me"
They both walk up to the mother and the son says, "Hey slag... I'm sick of being a Collingwood supporter. From now on I'm supporting Carlton"
After hearing this, the mother almost beats him black and blue, "We're going to go see your father in prison, and you can tell him what you just told me!"

A few moments later they arrive in the visiting cell to see their father. The son, while wearing the Carlton jumper, tells his dad "I'm sick of being a Collingwood supporter... From now on I'm supporting Carlton!"
The father becomes enraged and starts beating the crap out of his boy, throwing him against the walls and through tables and anything else he could find.
He then asks his son "Now Knackers, have you learnt anything?"
"Yeah I have Dad," the son replied. while bleeding and severly bruised.
"Well Knackers, what is it?"

The son looks straight at him and says "I've only been a Carlton supporter for 3 hours and I already hate you Collingwood c****!!!"
 
You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. You are a Herald Sun photographer and you are in the middle of this great
disaster. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is showing all
its destructive power and is ripping everything away. Suddenly you see a
man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's Eddie Maguire!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of Eddie, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the Australia's most powerful men.

Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
 
Theres a truck driver driving down the road running a little late on his delivery so he has the pedal to the metal doing 100 in a 60 zone. Next thing he knows he is being pulled over by a cop.
Cop: Do you realise that you were doing 100 in a 60 zone
Truckie: No officer sorry I didn't.
Cop: I have no choice but to give you a ticket. What's your name?
Truckie: Wankbreak
Cop looks at him funny
Cop: Sorry what was that?
Truckie: Wankbreak.
Cop: I really dont believe you but I will write it down anyway.
Cop: Where do you work?
Truckie: Balls, balls, ball and brass balls.
Cop looks at him funny again.
Cop:( with a stunned look on his face) Where?
Truckie: Balls, balls, balls and brass balls.
Cop: I definately dont believe you but I will write it down anyway. Here's your ticket don't do it again.

So the cop drives off and once he is out of sight the truckie heads off again. Now running further behind he puts the foot down again.

10 minutes later another cop pulls him over.
Cop: Do you realise that you were doing 100 in a 60 zone?
Truckie: No sorry officer I didn't.
Cop: I am going to have to give you a ticket. What's your name?
Truckie: Wankbreak
Cop looks at him funny and writes it down
Cop: Where do you work?
Truckie: Balls, balls, balls and brass balls.
Cop scratches his head and writes it down.
Cop: here's your ticket don't do it again.
Truckie leaves and goes about his deliveries.

Bout 2 hours later the 2 cops meet up for coffee and donuts and they were talking bout they day they had had. The second cop says to the first cop
Cop2: I pulled this truckie over earlier that was doing 100 in a 60 zone and he had a really weird name.
Cop1: Wouldn't happen to be wankbreak would it?
Cop2: Yeah that's the one.
Cop1: Funnily enough I pulled someone over with the same name. Did your guy work for Balls, balls balls and brass balls?
Cop2: Yeah thats the one.
Cop1: I think we had better check this out.
They go to the yellow pages and look up Balls Balls Balls and Brass balls and call the company.
Male Receptionist answers: Balls Balls Balls and Brass balls can I help you?
Cop1: Hey mate I was wondering do you have a wankbreak there?
Receptionist: Nah we dont even have time for a bloody tea break!!!!!!!!!!


Keep em rolling guys........:rolleyes: :D :p
 
An Aussie Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say your gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me Nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I
Was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer
 
This should see me being hung out to dry by the female members of this forum, but I love to live on the edge.

RULES FOR WOMEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes , tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
 
Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both Presidents were shot by southerners.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Both successors were southerners.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

And...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
 
THE CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an’ there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone, "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?"
"I can"
”Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
”He will".

CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
”That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said... "Those little bastards”
 
A drunk man weaves into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table and gets up, and staggers to their table. After checking them out he leans over and looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went past your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway bollocky naked. Man, she is one good looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His mates are confused. This cat is a really mean man, a bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best root I ever had."
The biker's mates are starting to get really shitty but the biker still says nothing, just stares into his drink.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it, man, did she ever!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa.......go home, you're pissed."
 
I have a few, dunno if they have been here before


A boy asks his father the difference between Potentially and Realistically.

His father says to him, "Ask your Mother, sister and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

So the boy finds his mother and asks her the question.

"Of course I would! Imagine what we could do with the money! We could pay off the house, buy a new car, and go on a holiday."

Next he asks his sister the same question.

"OH MY GOD YES!! Brad is like the hottest guy on the planet!"

Finally he asks his brother.

"Well, I guess its for a million dollars, so yes, I would."

After this he returns to his dad.

"I have finally figured out the difference between potentially and realistically. Potentially, we're sitting on $3 Million. Realistically, we're living with 2 sluts and a poof."
 
Three construction workers are sitting at the top of a high rise building eating their lunch. The first is American, the second an Aussie and the third an Irishman.

They each look at their sandwiches and start to complain. The yank says, "Oh, not baloney again. I swear tomorrow that if my wife gives me baloney, I'm gonna jump off this building!"

The Aussie looks at his sandwich. "Oh not Vegemite again. I swear that if my wife makes me a Vegemite sandwich, I'm gonna jump with you!"

The Irishman looks at his. "Dammit, not ham again. I swear that if I get a ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm gonna jump with both of you.

So the next day at the site, the three me look at their lunches.

The Yank looks at his. "GODDAMN BALONEY!" And so he jumps from the top of the building and falls to his death.

The Aussie looks at his. "BLOODY VEGEMITE!!" And so he follows the Yank to his death.

Then the Irishman looks at his. "TIS HAM AGAIN!!! ARRGGHH!!!" And jumps to his death.

The next week, their funeral is held. The Yanks widow cries, "If he had said he didn't want baloney, I wouldn't have given it to him!"

The Aussie's widow agrees, saying if her husband had said he didn't like Vegemite, she would have given him something different.

The Irishman's widow is shaking her head in disbelief.

The other two ask what's wrong. "I dont get it," The Irish widow says. "Paddy always made his own lunch."
 
Three men are working at a Welding site when there is an explosion and one of them is killed.

One of the two remaining tells the other that he will tell the man's wife about the terrible news.

A Couple of hours later, the man turns up to the other man's house with a carton of beer under his arm.

"Where did you get that carton of beer?"

"Mike's widow gave it to me."

"How'd you manage that?"

"Well, I knocked on the door and she answered. I then said 'I bet you a carton of beer that your a widow...'"
 
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant guy said "I like both." "Both?" The others asked. The accountant guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

This family-a husband, a wife, and a little boy-moved. The dad decided that one day he would go to a nude beach one day and took the little boy with him. When they got back, the little boy went to his mom and said, "Mom, some of the ladies there had big boobs." The mom then said, "Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the person." The two go to the beach again. Afterwards, the boy goes to his mom again and says, "Mom, some of the guys have big willy's." The mom says, "Same goes for them son. The bigger they are the dumber the person." The two go to the beach one more time and the boy goes to his mother when they get back. "Mom, daddy was talking to a dumb blond and he was getting dumber by the minute."
 
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie. The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his p@nis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.....And then,...... all the other bells started to ring..........

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time. " "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spell a 'Mississippi'."
 
Sorry guys, just evening things up a little LOL!
What a man really means!
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.
 
Ice. I believe there is another half of that joke which you have forgotten to add. It's the half of what the women say and what they actually mean. I'll see if I can find it hidden deep in my e-mails.

But heres some jokes.

I was driving along and got pulled over by an RBT unit. The cop knocks on my window and tell's me to wind it down. So I do. He says to me 'Now blow into this paper bag for 5 seconds.' I replied "Paper Bag!? why do I have to blow into a paper bag?' 'Because my chips are too hot!'

Blind guy and his guide dog walk into a really nice antique shop. The blind guy bends down and picks up his guide dog by the rear legs and starts swinging him around and around. The shop assisstant runs over and asks the blind what he is doing and if he needs any help. The blind guy replies 'No thanks, I'm just looking.'

Later Da Cowman!
 
Found it! Here it is!
The top 10 things men know about women are:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)
8.
9.
10.


Ha Ha!
 
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