JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

[tonx]

Chapter 1: THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run a marathon.
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out.
7. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc, Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of My lanta.
10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is usingyou to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes,and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking
lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
If you're under 50, this may be amusing.

If you're over 50, this is probably reality

 

[PeterB]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official I am the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant. "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the f*ck is Camilla Parker-Bowles?"

 

[tonx]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

[GaryH]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car......

 

[Gavin A]

Two guys spot a jar of large bills at the bar.......

1st guy says to the barkeep....what's with the jar?
BK: We have a competition amongst our patrons,the winner collects the contents of the jar.
1st: What ya' gotta do?
BK: Place your $50 in the jar to enter.First thing-drink a glass full of worms, tabasco sauce and chilli, secondly- there is a rather savage cattle dog out the back with one helluva tooth ache.You have to remove it.And then lastly, there's an old lady in her 90's who is a virgin and wants a shag before her death.You do all three.....you get the money!

Sometime and several pots later number 2 guy stands up and makes an announcment........slams $50 in the jar and slurrs. I'm gonna do it!!!

The barkeep pours the glass of worms, tabasco sauce and chilli.
He struggles....but drinks it!
The barkeep points to outside in the direction of the dog.
Moments later an all collosal ruckus is heard from outside, followed by dog whimpering and then sudden quite.
After a few quite seconds, he walks upstairs to find the 90 year old vigin.
An hour later,number 2 guy stumbles down the stairs, holding his his head high.
I did it!!! I did it!!!
The barkeep passes him the money jar and says...."where's the tooth?"
Number 2 hands him the tooth.
Barkeep: What tha?
No 2: Yeah....I know....pulling the old ladies tooth wasn't easy!

 

[tonx]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." on his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

 

[Craig Ryan]

A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes.

He walked into the embalming room where a corpse was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its arse.
Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard; "Good old Collingwood forever......." come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the corpse and ran up the stairs to find his mentor; "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs; "There, look at the cork in the arse of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork, and sure enough:- "Good old Collingwood forever...." began to play.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of ar$eholes sing that song."

 

[tonx]

Test your Aussie mettle
From: By NEWS.com.au readers
November 04, 2005

People who want to become UK citizens now have to pass a test of Britishness to make the grade.

Questions include:

Your employer can dismiss you for joining a trade union. True or false?

Which two telephone numbers can be used to dial the emergency services? 112, 123, 555 or 999?
We asked NEWS.com.au readers what questions should be part of an Australian citizenship test and we were deluged with responses.


We've put together a quiz based on some of the best suggestions. So, do you know the difference between a pot and a middy?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joanne
Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon: a) Drinking beer a mate's place b) Drinking beer at the beach c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

From: Darren
Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

From: Daniel
How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

From: Mick
How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

From: Sarah
Who are Scott and Charlene?

From: Michelle
How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie? a) Squirt and spread with finger b) Sauce injection straight into the middle

From: Kevin
If the police raided your home would you: a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

From: Caleb
Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

From: Lotte
Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

From: Lauren
Thongs are: a) Skimpy underwear b) Casual footwear c) They're called jandals, bro?

From: Pedro
Comment: on which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? 1993, 1997, 2001 or 2005?

From: Adrian
What someone is more likely to die of. 1) Red Back Spider 2) Great White Shark 3) Victorian Police Officer 4) King Brown Snake 5) Your missus after a big night 6) Dropbear?

From: Andy
How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional 4 burner barbie?

From: Eva
Where do you wear a thong?

From: Stephanie
Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sahn?

From: Corey
Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pro's and con's for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

From: Harry
Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

From: David
Who is current Australian test cricket captain. (A) Ricky Ponting (B) Don Bradman (C) John Howard (D) Makybe Diva

From: Mitch
Is it best to take a sick day on: a) When the cricket's on. b) When the cricket's on. c) When the crickets on?

From: Wayne
What animal is on the Bundaberg rum bottle?

From: James
What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

From: Cara
What are Budgie smugglers?

From: Priscilla
What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

From: Jane
Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

From: Markus
A "Hoppoate" is: a) A breed of kangaroo b) A kind of Australian "wedgie" c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

From: Steve
What does having a 'chunder' mean?

From: Michelle
When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

From: Cycloneozgirl
What do the following terms mean? a) Mate? b) Maate c) Maaaaaaate

From: Blair
What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

 

[tonx]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a totally booked transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea", she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow, that's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good", she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Craig Ryan]

Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with pick up a stick and started to bash the dog with. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed it.

A news reporter witnissed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy "That was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."

So the lady started think of headline....

"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not a carlton supporter.

"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not a Essendon supporter either. so the lady asked who he barracked for and he said collingwood.

The next days headlines where " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"

 

[tonx]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out ...
"****... THIS onE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

 

[PeterB]

A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship.The distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any pictures they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.,
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his mates.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note ..

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

 

[Craig Ryan]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

[Craig Ryan]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[tonx]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes...!!!!"

 

[tonx]

A schoolteacher was doing a study testing the senses of
first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the
children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry"
"Yellow...............lemon"
"Green................lime"
"Orange...............orange"

Finally, he gave them Honey flavoured Lifesavers. After eating them for few moments none of the children could identify the taste "Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out - they're @ssholes!"

 

[tonx]

An Irishman went for a job interview & did very well, but the boss didn't want to give him the job, so he decided on a maths test.

"I want you to draw me the number nine without using numbers"

The irishman thought for a moment & then drew three trees.
"How does that make nine?" asked the boss.

"well that's a tree & that's a tree & that's a tree, tree plus tree plus tree equals nine."

This bothered the boss so he asked another question.

"Draw me ninety nine without using numbers."

The irishman thought for a moment the smudged each tree.

"OK" said the boss, a bit puzzled, "how does that make ninety nine?"

"Well thats' a dirty tree & that's a dirty tree & that's a dirty tree, dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree equals ninety nine."

By now the boss is very worried that he will have to give this man the job, but he still doesn't want to, so he sets one last, harder question.

"OK last question. Draw me a hundred without using numbers."

The Irishman though a little longer this time, then drew a little pile at the base of each smudged tree.

"So how does that make a hundred?" the boss asked

"Well a little doggie stopped at each of these trees. That's dirty tree & a turd, plus dirty tree & a turd, plus dirty tree & a turd, that makes a hundred. When do I start?

 

[Ice]

STOP! My stomache hurts!

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

 

[GaryH]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he's on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

[PeterB]

Q: Why does it take a women with PMS 4 hours to cook a chook
A: It just Farking does ALRIGHT?!?!?!?!