JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

[Brenton_Davy]

Kermit the frog goes into a bank to get a loan to buy a house. He goes up to the Enquiries counter where he sees a bank clerk name Patricia Wack serving. THe conversation that follows, goes like this:

Kermit: Ah, Miss Wack, I would like to get a loan to buy a house
Patricia: We don't give loans to frogs.
K: My name is Kermit Jagger, My father is Mick Jagger. Ask the manager, I am sure he will allow the loan.
P: Well Mr Jagger, if we are going to give you a loan, we will need some security. What can you offer us as security against the loan?

At this point Kermit pulls out a one inch high ceramic elephant and plonks it on the counter.

K: Now please Miss Wack, go and see the manager, I am sure he will OK the loan

The clerk goes back to the managers office and says to the manager:

"I have a frog out at the counter who says he is Mick Jaggers son and he wants a loan to buy a house. The only security he has offered is this one inch high ceramic elephant. He also says he is sure you will OK the loan. What are we going to do?"

To which the manager replies:

"Its a nic-nac Patty Wack give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone!!"

 

[Gary]

Love that one hay did you go to school with Mr Jagger


Gary.............................................

 

[Brenton_Davy]

No, but the joke is about that old though LOL :rofl: :rofl:

 

[tonx]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's John Howard's clock?' asked the man.

'Oh that one's in the back office. We're using it as a fan.

 

[tonx]

Dear Employees


It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of anguage will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.



2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.



3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?



4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.



5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!



6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.



7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.



TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?



9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.



10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.



12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.



13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.



14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.



15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.



16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


1 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources.

 

[tonx]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Broadmeadows and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,"she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a KANGAROOS fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears."Mary, why are you a KANGAROOS fan?"

"Because my mum is a Roos fan and my dad is a Roos fan, so I'm a Roos fan too!"Mary replied.

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a Roos fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"



"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."

 

[Gary]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Gary.....................................................

 

[Gary]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"



Gary..............................................

 

[hooterman]

HERE`S ONE FOR YOU ALL
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street when they saw two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
The father replies, “Making a baby.”
The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

THANKS JONESY

 

[Gary]

Two little boys are in a hospital, each lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoaaaa -- good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year


Gary..................................................

 

[alexnjudy]

A man died and he was on his way to Heaven with Michael the Angel. As they were passing over Hell, he saw a Big Party. Everyone was having a great time. Drinks, babes, best food & wine and of coz best music. He was abit puzzle by this coz he was told Hell was a Scary and Frightening place.
As they reach The Pearly Gate of Heaven,it was so quiet and so boring. Everyone was just bowing down and worshipping God. He said to Michael the Angel this is bloody boring mate. Can you take me back to Hell, coz i feel that is where i want spend my eternity. Michael asked " Are you sure coz you can't change your mind after that". He said YES..
As they were approaching HELL, he can feel the heat from the lakes of fires and people were screaming and crying for help. He could see the huge flame from the lake and it's freaking burning hot and everyone was getting chucked in it. So he turned around to Michael the Angel and asked what the Hell happened here. The Angel said to him " That was BLOODY HAPPY HOUR MATE :silly:

 

[eagles_rule2005]

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"
The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thankyou Sister."
Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensly. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in certain ’areas’ it
can give life?"
And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS ARSE AND LETS GET THE **** OUTTA HERE!!!!

 

[finspin]

Farm labourer hits a pig with his jeep.
Rings his boss on the mobile to say that pig is alive,
but stuck in the bullbars.
Boss says, shoot the pig.
Labourer says, sure boss, but what do I do with his speed camera?

 

[CHRISSY]

Cinderella is sitting in her garden depressed because her stepmother wont let her go to the ball , her fairy godmother apears and tells her that she can go to the ball under 2 conditions. "1st you must wear a diaphram(spelling) and you must be home before 2am or the diaphram will turn into a pumpkin".
Cinderella agrees so off she goes to the ball , her fairy godmother waits for her to return. 2am passes and no Cinderella , finally at 5am Cinderella returns and her fairy godmother says to her "i told you to be back by 2am or the diaphram will turn into a pumpkin , what happened.
"i found a prince said Cinderella" what was this prince's name said the fairy goodmother , im not sure said Cinderella , i think his name was Peter Peter something.

 

[hooterman]

OK HERES 1 FOR YOU ALL
THIS MAN IS FEELING SICK SO HE CALLS HIS BOSS TO SAY HES NOT GOIN TO WORK TODAY.
BOSS SAYS.. OH THATS A SHAME BUT WHEN I FEEL SICK I JUST GO TO MY WIFE AND HAVE FULL ON SEX FOR 2HRS.. I FEEL MUCH BETTER AFTER THAT , TRY IT AND GIVE ME A CALL IN 2HRS.
2HRS LATER THE MAN CALLS BOSS AND SAYS... YOU WERE RIGHT I HAD 2 HRS OF FULL ON SEX AND I DONT FEEL SICK ANYMORE.
OH AND BTW YOUR WIFE SAID TO BRING HOME SOME MILK
JONESY

 

[Gary]

Joke 1
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the bastard buried upside down..."

Gary.....................................

 

[alexnjudy]

Joke 1
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the bastard buried upside down..."
Gary.....................................

Lol mate that is funny

 

[J.Drew]

a woman is standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror. "I look horrible" she moans to her husband, "I'm fat, I'm ugly, my boobs are saggy, my backside is huge - I feel awful!". Her husband looks over: "Don't be so hard on yourself darling," he says, trying to cheer her up, "At least your eyesights spot on".

 

[tonx]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Ice]

DID YOU KNOW......?????

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee (Nah...Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (" Hi! honey, I'm home" LOL)

30 minutes...can you imagine?? LOL

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.(Who knew...? Who cares!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)