JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"
 
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

Gary.............................................................:cool:
 
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door.

He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other, "I don't get it... I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
 
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's
flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate
than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email
her just
to
be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM
MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT
THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT
IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day:-


NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)
 
Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria". The copper runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean - and gives the guy his license back.

The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "

What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks. "Just making your wish come true," replies the copper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. "Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with me!"
 
One day, little jonny asked his mum what sex was.
"tonight, go in2 ur sisters room n hide behind the curtain and watch what she does with her boyfriend"

The next morning she asks jonny what happned.

Little jonny expalined "well at first, they were just kinda talkin and laughin then they hugged n kissed, sister got a fever cos she said dhe was feeling hot.
So sis’s boyfriend put his hand up her shirt to find her heart, like a doc would do. Except he aint so smart cos both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have gotten cold as he shoved that up her skirt.

About this time sis got worse and began to moan n sigh, n squirm around and slide to the end of the bed. Then i finally found out what was making them so sick- a big EEL had gotten into her boyfriends pants somehow!! It just jumped out and stood there, bout 10inches long!! Anyways he grabbed it with one hand to stop it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, n she started caling to god n stuff like that. She said it was the biggest she’d ever seen, i should tell her about the ones at the lake!, anyway sis got brave n tried to kill the eel by biting it’s head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel!!
I knew this because it just hung there and also cos some of it’s insides were dripping out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tires from the battle, but they went back to bed anyway. They started huggin n kissing again. To my surprise the eel was NOT dead!!! It jumped back up!!!

Sis then sat on top of it, and started jumping on it, trying to squish it again. She squealed and moaned, as she tried to kill it.

After a while sis managed to kil the eel. I knew this because her boyfriend pulled the skin off of it and flushed it down the toilet."

Little jonny’s mum fainted.
 
A monastery was perched high on a cliff and the only way to reach it was to ride in a basket which was hauled to the top by several monks. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in the basket was terrifying. One visitor got exceedingly nervous. About halfway up he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and fraying. With a trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered, ‘whenever it breaks.’ :)
 
A drunk gets on a bus, staggers up the aisle and sits next to an old lady. breathing fumes all over her. She looks at him with withering contempt and says, 'Ive got news for you'. You're going straight to hell.' The drunk jumps out of his seat and shouts, 'Christ! I'm on the wrong bus!' :cool:
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
 
Hey you have probably heard this one but…

There is a man with a black eye walking down the aisle of a plane on the way to his seat. When he gets to his seat he finds Bob is sitting next to also has a black eye. He is astonished and asks how he got the black eye, Bob replies. The women at the ticket counter had big tits and I mean big tits and I went to ask for two tickets to Pittsburg but instead I asked for two pickets to Titsburg so she punched me and I got a black eye. Then Bob asked this guy how he got his black eye and the man replied, Well yesterday I sat down and meant to ask my wife to pass me a bowl of frosties instead I said, You ruined my life you Sl_t.

Easy to get confused :p
 
And I know you have heard these ones...

Q. What do Michael Jackson and a stereo have in common?
A. They are both are made of plastic and little boys turn them on!!!

Q. What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger?
A. Michealwasanigger.
 
Three labourers, an Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman are working 50 floors up on a high rise building.

At lunchtime they sit with their legs overhanging a girder and open their lunchboxes.

The Englishman says, “Oh no, jam sandwiches again, I am sick of them, if I get them again tomorrow I am going to jump.”

The Australian says, “Oh no, Vegemite sandwiches again, I am sick of them, if I get them again tomorrow I am going to jump.”

The Irishman says, “Oh no, peanut butter sandwiches again, I am sick of them, if I get them again tomorrow I am going to jump.”

The next day at lunchtime sitting on the same girder the Englishman opens his lunch and sees jam sandwiches so he jumps to his death as promised.

The Australian opens his lunch and sees Vegemite sandwiches so he jumps to his death.

The Irishman opens his lunch and sees peanut butter sandwiches and he jumps to his death as well.

The three work mates are given a joint funeral and their widows are sitting together grieving about their sad loss.

The widow of the Englishman says, “If only he had told me he did not want jam sandwiches anymore I would not have made them for him.”

The widow of the Australian says, “If only he had told me he did not want Vegemite sandwiches anymore I would not have made them.”

The widow of the Irishman sits quietly and says nothing. The other two turn to her waiting for her to say something.

Finally she says, “Paddy always cut his own lunch.”
 
Bankstown TAFE Exam

EXAM START

1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?

2. If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours, how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?

3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?

4. Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:
A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
C: go to the casino and try to double it.

5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?

6. Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?

7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks like he's running an intercooler?

8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?

9. Habib want to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night. How many cousins does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to fight the bouncers?

10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day. How much gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?

11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?

12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his skin tight lycra top. How much will he need to bench press at the gym on Friday night?

13.
Part A: Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais 5.0 ltr. How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
Part B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get called bloody wogs?
Part C: on the way, how many drags will they have against XD Falcons?

14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:
A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub

15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18inch Simmons wheels he just scored?

16.
Part A: Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic. He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should he buy:
A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
C: A rear Nascar wing
D: A Mugen racing sticker pack
Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:
A: less than 10
B: More than 10
C: More than 20
Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors, the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?

17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on his Torana. Which one will get him more roots?

18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on the windows as well?

19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?

20.
Part A: Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters. How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
Part B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in the bathroom?

21. Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they are much cooler. Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?

22. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on his back. Should he:
A: Shave it
B: Wax it
C: Get electrolysis like his sister
D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men

23. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite. How long does the plastic stay on it?
A: 1 year
B: 2 years
C: Never comes off

24. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas. How many RPM will he need to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?

25.
Part A: Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night. How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so that the door person won't check his ID?
Part B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?

26. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters with a stock 1.6 ltr engine. How many gauges does he need to complement the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:
A: 2
B: 3
C: 4 or more.

27.
Part A: Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA. Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George Street on Friday night?
Part B: How low does he need to wear his pants?

28. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?

29. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?

30. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will be smashed after the match?

31. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino. How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?

Bonus Questions:

32. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?

33. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?

34. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?

END OF EXAM
 
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly..."So...............ya gonna follow
the Sydney Swans again this year?"
 
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

haha



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
 
IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
 
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? this is a beauty .)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
 
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes


(Must Read Out Loud)


1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai

5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu
 
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