JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!

[Ice]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim Beazley.
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse
them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking
up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"



"About a litre."

 

[Gary]

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."


Gary................................

 

[weggy]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim Beazley.
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse
them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking
up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."

Nice one...

I haven't had time to read them all, but I wonder if anybody has submitted Mushtare's 900 yet? That has to be the joke of the year!

 

[weggy]

Here's another one that I love.

Ways to amuse yourself during an exam you would fail anyway:

1. Write down reasons why you refuse to answer the question (eg. Darwinism is against my religious beliefs that God created the earth. Be creative)
2. Scream out random words intermittently.
3. Take out the staple and proceed to make paper planes out of the pages. Fly them in the supervisor's general direction.
4. Stand up and go through your Tai Chi exercises... at the front of the room.
5. Remember the Minties challenge where you had to make the longest string by tearing the wrapper? Do the same with the test paper, but scream out in disgust when you break the chain.
6. Make a japanese crane from the test paper.
7. Have a conversation with your imaginary friend.
8. Stage an argument between your split personalities (improvise if necessary).
9. Start to answer the exam paper, but on the back of the first sheet, write a very detailed letter as to why you hate your lecturer/teacher/subject. Make sure you get personal, otherwise it isn't worth the effort.
10. Pretend to fall asleep, but talk in your sleep about somebody in the school/university (eg. oohh, I like the way you do that to me ____)
11. Play the drums using your desk
12. Use your neighbour's desk as the drums
13. Whistle/Hum the Godfather Theme, repeatedly
14. Sing the "Song That Doesn't End" from Lamb Chop's Play Along
15. Write something down, and give a double pump followed by "Yeah! Damn I'm Good!"
16. Engrave the answers into your desk.
17. Bring in salt and pepper for the exam. Proceed to eat the test paper.
18. Make animal noises.
19. Write everything in green highlighter.
20. Scream out "FIRE!!!" and run out of the exam room.

 

[Gary]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Gary........................................

 

[nev25]

A man walks into a bar and says

GEE that hurt

 

[Gary]

Don't Fart in Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the
husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for
air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound
asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and
neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as
she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I
would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened... but by
the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them
back in."


OMG

Gary...........................................

 

[Gary]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did
as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a
little while Connor was born.


The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on
his bottom. Connor began to cry The paramedic then thanked Kathleen
for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place. Smack his ass again."

Gary................................................................

 

[nev25]

A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains.
He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small.
What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."
The blonde says,
" Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

 

[weggy]

Nothing like a good blonde joke! (btw, I am one myself)

 

[thehack]

WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE.........
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:...............................................................
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf".

 

[PeterB]

GIRLS DIARY

Monday 17 November 2003:
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping with the girls in the afternoon and I did turn up a bit late. I thought that might be it.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter and talk. He was still very subdued so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't really seem himself. He hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or what I was saying.

I just knew something was wrong. He dropped me back home. I wondered if he would come in. He hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if something was the matter, but he half shook his head and turned the television on.

After 10 minutes of silence I said I was going up to bed. I put my arms around him and told him I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up, but later he did and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.



BOYS DIARY

Monday 17 November 2003:
WALLABIES LOST TO ALL BLACKS.

HAD SEX THOUGH.

 

[Trouss]

Monday 17 November 2003:
WALLABIES LOST TO ALL BLACKS.

...........
Not that surprising really!!!!!!

 

[PeterB]

Thank God for the Tri-nations huh?

 

[thehack]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a
husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."
**************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for
Herman for 51 years.

 

[Feral]

HALLOWEEN

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

 

[Gary]

A couple, both age 76, went to a doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."


Gary.................................................

 

[Gary]

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”





Gary..........................................

 

[weggy]

Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both Presidents were shot by southerners.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Both successors were southerners.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
And...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

DAMN!!! that's good...

 

[Ice]

THE PHONE CALL
Hello?"

"Hi Honey . . . This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle

”Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

*** Brief pause ***

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened Honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you emptied it last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

*** Long pause ***

*** Longer pause ***

*** Even longer pause ***


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 555-486-5731?"