JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!
- Thread starter PeterB
- Start date
Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients & and he felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried,the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
but every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say
Dave don't worry about it .u are'nt the 1st Dr 2 sleep with 1 of your patients
and you won't be the last and your single so just let it go"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering
Dave your a bloody VET..!!!
No matter how much he tried,the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
but every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say
Dave don't worry about it .u are'nt the 1st Dr 2 sleep with 1 of your patients
and you won't be the last and your single so just let it go"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering
Dave your a bloody VET..!!!
V
Village Facilities
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
"Christmas With Louise"
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings
were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, 'What does this do? You're
kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it
to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so
I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come
in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at
the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk
on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of
hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had
made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when
they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said,
to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any
teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
flirting. It was then that we realized this might be
Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my
father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to
his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health!
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
"Christmas With Louise"
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings
were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, 'What does this do? You're
kidding me! Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it
to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so
I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come
in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at
the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk
on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of
hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had
made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when
they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran' Jay said,
to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any
teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
flirting. It was then that we realized this might be
Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my
father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to
his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health!
Kellie
Facebook Rocks
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her
robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this
time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met
20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says
solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she
replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your
father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.'I would have gotten out today.'...
robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this
time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met
20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says
solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she
replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your
father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.'I would have gotten out today.'...
An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks. She replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?" "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?" "Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?
She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks. She replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?" "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?" "Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially
one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: .............
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially
one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: .............
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can...
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Women.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can...
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Women.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had been previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle i'm still a virgin".
"What" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times".
"Well husband #1 was a Sales Rep, he kept telling me how great it's going to be".
"Husband #2 was in Software Services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would look into it and get back to me".
"Husband #3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn"t get the system up".
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he could deliver".
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method".
"Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure if it was his job or not".
"Husband #7 was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it".
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was talk about it".
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it".
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he did was .............God i miss him".
"But now that i've married you, i'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but why?"
"You're a Tax Man............This time i KNOW i'm gonna get screwed!"
"What" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times".
"Well husband #1 was a Sales Rep, he kept telling me how great it's going to be".
"Husband #2 was in Software Services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would look into it and get back to me".
"Husband #3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn"t get the system up".
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he could deliver".
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method".
"Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure if it was his job or not".
"Husband #7 was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it".
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was talk about it".
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it".
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he did was .............God i miss him".
"But now that i've married you, i'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but why?"
"You're a Tax Man............This time i KNOW i'm gonna get screwed!"
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
Skeet
MT. Warren Lanes Bowler
When girls don't put out!!
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
Trouss
All the Gear and No Idea
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
"What's for tea?"
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
"What's for tea?"
Skeet
MT. Warren Lanes Bowler
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out
into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the
Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov
who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, Su lu who is Chinese, but
no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians,
Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."
President Bush smiled, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future."
into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the
Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov
who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, Su lu who is Chinese, but
no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians,
Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."
President Bush smiled, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future."
Skeet
MT. Warren Lanes Bowler
New Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with?us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with?us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
Luke D
The Reflecting God
nev25
-
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
garryarnol
Tasmania 2009 Holt champs
what's the defernition of a red back spider?
tina turner with her legs over her head.
tina turner with her legs over her head.
