JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!
- Thread starter PeterB
- Start date
krusty
Member
When girls don't put out!
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the s#xual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing s#xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having s#x tonight either....but at least that b!tch knows I'm smarter than her.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the s#xual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing s#xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having s#x tonight either....but at least that b!tch knows I'm smarter than her.
terry penguin
terry penguin
lady ga ga was in her motel room and she wanted to turn the tv on so she started taking her clothes off
PeterB
Elite Armchair Athlete
There are unconfirmed reports that you can hear Thriller being played backwards in the hospital morgue at UCLA. Apparently Jacko was decomposing.
Q: What would it take to reunite the Jackson 5?
A: 4 more heart attacks.
Did you hear about the morning after pill for men? It changes their DNA.
Q: What would it take to reunite the Jackson 5?
A: 4 more heart attacks.
Did you hear about the morning after pill for men? It changes their DNA.
Deadman Inc
1990 − 2011. Retired 2012 − 2013. Back Again 2014
RANDOM CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Deadman Inc
1990 − 2011. Retired 2012 − 2013. Back Again 2014
More Chuck Norris Quotes:
Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors
Wilt Chamberlin claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. His spelling checks itself.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris clogs up the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris flosses with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, shortly after they renamed them the Islands.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages, he leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
God created us all but Chuck Norris created God.
Chuck Norris doesn't use condoms because theres no protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection, there were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris went to Burger King, he ordered a big mac...and got one.
Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors
Wilt Chamberlin claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. His spelling checks itself.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris clogs up the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris flosses with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, shortly after they renamed them the Islands.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages, he leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
God created us all but Chuck Norris created God.
Chuck Norris doesn't use condoms because theres no protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection, there were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris went to Burger King, he ordered a big mac...and got one.
Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
$$Pricey$$
meh.
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari??
i dont have a ferrari in my garage.
:rofl:
i dont have a ferrari in my garage.
:rofl:
$$Pricey$$
meh.
god said let there be light and chuck norris said say please
Just Cruisin'
New Member
Genetic scientists in America have used DNA from
Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger
to create a clone.
They have called it Michael Wasanigger.
Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger
to create a clone.
They have called it Michael Wasanigger.
nev25
-
Tenpin Bowling in Heaven
Two ninety year old TenPin Bowlers, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved our past Bowling, and how we bowled together for so many years.
Sam, you have to do me one favor.
When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's TenPin Bowling in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years.
This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later.
Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to
him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me , Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is TenPin Bowling in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again.
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You open with a strike Tuesday".
Two ninety year old TenPin Bowlers, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved our past Bowling, and how we bowled together for so many years.
Sam, you have to do me one favor.
When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's TenPin Bowling in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years.
This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later.
Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to
him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me , Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is TenPin Bowling in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again.
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You open with a strike Tuesday".
bobthebowler
This is ur captn speaking
What did Stephen Hawking say when someone broke his little computer?
Nothing.
Nothing.
terry penguin
terry penguin
whatdid the prostitute say to the customer at the door? come inA nun gets into the cab and notices that the driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks what the problem is. The bloke replies, “I have a confession to make but I don't want to offend you.”
The nun says, “I'm sure there's nothing you could say that I would find offensive.”
The cabbie says, “Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
The nun tells him, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: But you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”
The excited cabbie says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun then fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the driver starts crying. “My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
“That's OK,” the nun says. “My name is Keith and I'm going to a fancy dress party.”
She asks what the problem is. The bloke replies, “I have a confession to make but I don't want to offend you.”
The nun says, “I'm sure there's nothing you could say that I would find offensive.”
The cabbie says, “Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
The nun tells him, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: But you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”
The excited cabbie says, “Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun then fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the driver starts crying. “My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.”
“That's OK,” the nun says. “My name is Keith and I'm going to a fancy dress party.”
Johnny's Spin on Things.
The end of the school year is here a couple of hours to go, desks and chairs have been cleaned, the teacher wonders what to do.
I know she says! I will ask a few questions and the first person to answer correctly gets an early mark for xmas holidays. Cool thinks Johnny I'm pretty smart I'm all over this,.
The teacher said: Who said I Have a Dream! Before Johnny could get his mouth into gear, Sally replies, Martin Luther King, Miss.
Very good Sally Have a great holiday break you can go. Johnny was furious!!! Next,
Who said Four score & seven years ago.......
Ohhh says Mary, "Abraham Lincoln" before Johnny could even open his mouth. Very good Mary, says the teacher off you go Merry xmas. Johnny was NOT impressed and getting redder by the minute.
Next the teacher asks, Who said " Ask not what your country can do for you but what can you do" before the teacher finished the question Betty replied, John F Kennedy.
Very good Betty have a lovel Xmas.
Johnny was absolutley spitting chips and about to Burst thinking I know these answers !!!!
As the teacher turned briefly to the blackboard, Johnny yells out! I wish these Bitc**** would keep their mouths shut!!!!!
The Teacher turned around sharply and said who said that ??? ooh ooh Said Johnny,
TIGER WOODS !!!! Can I go now?
Cheers, Dave.A
The end of the school year is here a couple of hours to go, desks and chairs have been cleaned, the teacher wonders what to do.
I know she says! I will ask a few questions and the first person to answer correctly gets an early mark for xmas holidays. Cool thinks Johnny I'm pretty smart I'm all over this,.
The teacher said: Who said I Have a Dream! Before Johnny could get his mouth into gear, Sally replies, Martin Luther King, Miss.
Very good Sally Have a great holiday break you can go. Johnny was furious!!! Next,
Who said Four score & seven years ago.......
Ohhh says Mary, "Abraham Lincoln" before Johnny could even open his mouth. Very good Mary, says the teacher off you go Merry xmas. Johnny was NOT impressed and getting redder by the minute.
Next the teacher asks, Who said " Ask not what your country can do for you but what can you do" before the teacher finished the question Betty replied, John F Kennedy.
Very good Betty have a lovel Xmas.
Johnny was absolutley spitting chips and about to Burst thinking I know these answers !!!!
As the teacher turned briefly to the blackboard, Johnny yells out! I wish these Bitc**** would keep their mouths shut!!!!!
The Teacher turned around sharply and said who said that ??? ooh ooh Said Johnny,
TIGER WOODS !!!! Can I go now?
Cheers, Dave.A
