the true sportsman
Member
Times when you shouldn't hyphenate yours & your hubby's names...
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munchkin11
6/7/2007 5:15:22 PM
Post a reply
munchkin11
6/7/2007 5:15:22 PM
JOKE SPOT - Add One Yourself!
- Thread starter PeterB
- Start date
the true sportsman
Member
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on ?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window"
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the cupboard."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f--- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on ?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window"
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the cupboard."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f--- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
the true sportsman
Member
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
tenpin albury
Member
I saw a cute girl the other day at a petrol station filling up her car while having a quick perve I noticed that petrol was spilling out everywhere all over her arm so I yelled at her to stop filling.
Upon paying for my petrol I noticed the girl's arm was covered in petrol after she paid she quickly got in her car and drove off.
I drove along the highway and saw the car she was driving just ahead of me I noticed her lighting up a smoke and then suddenly her arm was on fire, she was waving her arm out the window trying to put out the fire when a policeman pulled her over....
They booked her for possesing an illegal "FIRE ARM"...
Upon paying for my petrol I noticed the girl's arm was covered in petrol after she paid she quickly got in her car and drove off.
I drove along the highway and saw the car she was driving just ahead of me I noticed her lighting up a smoke and then suddenly her arm was on fire, she was waving her arm out the window trying to put out the fire when a policeman pulled her over....
They booked her for possesing an illegal "FIRE ARM"...
the true sportsman
Member
Imagine if we had Corporate Condoms? Imagine if major companies from all
around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would
become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
* Pringles Condoms: once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in (Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
The following brands would probably not sell very well.....
* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
* RTA Condoms: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would
become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
* Pringles Condoms: once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in (Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
The following brands would probably not sell very well.....
* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
* RTA Condoms: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
the true sportsman
Member
The Iraq War
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
the true sportsman
Member
Out of the mouths of AFL Footballers
Post a reply
Cherub
11/9/2007 4:22:06 PM
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - (Shane Wakelin)
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood)
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies)
"You guys line up alphabetically by height," and "you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." (Brock Maclean - Melbourne - on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt)
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)
"It's basically the same, just darker." (Jonathan Brown - on night Grand Finals vs Day Games)
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care' ". (Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton)
"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first." (Barry Hall - Sydney - when asked about the upcoming season)
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins - West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body". (Luke Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
(Garry Lyon) "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" (David Swartz) "on what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)
Pure genius
Post a reply
Cherub
11/9/2007 4:22:06 PM
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - (Shane Wakelin)
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood)
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies)
"You guys line up alphabetically by height," and "you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." (Brock Maclean - Melbourne - on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt)
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)
"It's basically the same, just darker." (Jonathan Brown - on night Grand Finals vs Day Games)
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care' ". (Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton)
"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first." (Barry Hall - Sydney - when asked about the upcoming season)
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins - West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body". (Luke Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
(Garry Lyon) "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" (David Swartz) "on what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)
Pure genius
GeoffS
Warped Total Bowler
Big Paulie
Pennywise
I wish my lawn was emo... so it would cut itself! 
PeterB
Elite Armchair Athlete
Top 10 thoughts for 2008.
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.
becka_girl
Proud Vic Chick
why was the washing machine laughing so much?
because it was taking the piss out of the underwear
i thought it was funny
because it was taking the piss out of the underwear
i thought it was funny
striker_beynon
PROTECT UR NUTS!!!!!!!!
air conditioners are like computers
they dont work when you open windows
they dont work when you open windows
F
foxyj1966
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
English
Chinese
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
A Stupid Person
Dum Fuk
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ne
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great
Fa Kin Su Pa
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
English
Chinese
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao
A Stupid Person
Dum Fuk
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ne
I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great
Fa Kin Su Pa
Captain Fudge
"Baby Boomer"
I would like to share with you a poem written by Sir Paul McCartney.
(yes that one, who just divorced recently)
I sit upon the grassy bank
My hands are all a quiver
I slowly undo her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
(yes that one, who just divorced recently)
I sit upon the grassy bank
My hands are all a quiver
I slowly undo her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
If you think your life is bad......How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 12 other guys.
But worst of all.....The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life aint that bad!!
You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 12 other guys.
But worst of all.....The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life aint that bad!!
One day this little girl accidenlty walked in on her grandmother getting out of the shower, the very curious girl then points and says,
"Grandma, what's that?" (pointing at her "lower region")
"Oh, that my dear, that's my possum." The girl, somewhat satisfied with the response given by her Grandmother, carried on with her day.
Later that afternoon, the little girl walked in on her mother getting out of the shower. Once again the girls curiosity got the better of her and she went to her mother,
"Hey Mum, what's that?" (once again, pointing to her "lower" region)
"Why that's my possum my darling, why do you ask?
The girl, with a rather concerned look on her face said,
"Well mum, I'm worried about Grandma's possum...."
"Really?" said the mother, with a rather confused look, "Why's that dear?"
"I think Grandma's possum might be dead because it smelt funny and its tongue was hanging out!"
"Grandma, what's that?" (pointing at her "lower region")
"Oh, that my dear, that's my possum." The girl, somewhat satisfied with the response given by her Grandmother, carried on with her day.
Later that afternoon, the little girl walked in on her mother getting out of the shower. Once again the girls curiosity got the better of her and she went to her mother,
"Hey Mum, what's that?" (once again, pointing to her "lower" region)
"Why that's my possum my darling, why do you ask?
The girl, with a rather concerned look on her face said,
"Well mum, I'm worried about Grandma's possum...."
"Really?" said the mother, with a rather confused look, "Why's that dear?"
"I think Grandma's possum might be dead because it smelt funny and its tongue was hanging out!"
An attractive young woman walks up too the bar in a rural pub,
calls the barman over puts her face near his "Are you the manager?" she asks while
running her fingers through his hair "no",he replies "can u give him a message?",
she asks,allowing 2 fingers too slip into his mouth so he can gently suck on them."
"Tell him there's no toilet paper......
calls the barman over puts her face near his "Are you the manager?" she asks while
running her fingers through his hair "no",he replies "can u give him a message?",
she asks,allowing 2 fingers too slip into his mouth so he can gently suck on them."
"Tell him there's no toilet paper......
