A "U BEAUT" TOURNAMENT

[trevor]

HERE IT IS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

AUSTRALIAS RICHEST AND MOST PROSTEGOUS TOURNAMENT OF ALL TIME.

"THE AUSSIE DELUXE DODGY MUG"

ENTRY FEE : $10
VENUE: NEWLY BUILT "BYRON BAY BUCCANEER BOWL"............ 6 LANES.

TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR ARCHIE SLIBUGGER HAS WORKED HARD TO GET CORPORATE COMPANY'S TO SPONSOR THIS MAJOR EVENT,
MANY THANKS TO.............
C.SKASE INVESTMENTS,
RIVKENS STOCK REPORT,
ALAN BONDS ART GALLERY,
GODFREYS VACUUM CLEANERS,
ONETEL COMMUNICATIONS,
ANDERSON CONSULTANTS,
CANTERBURY LEAGUES CLUB,
HIH INSURANCE.

TOURNAMENTS FORMAT IS AS FOLLOWS
FRIDAY
5.00PM.....SQUAD A.... 2 GAMES
5.10PM.....SQUAD B.....2 GAMES
5.20PM.....SQUAD C.....2 GAMES
5.30 PM..... MR RIVKEN'S GRANDSONS'S BIRTHDAY PARTY,
(BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE PURCHASED FOR 5 BUCKS A PIECE)
7.20PM....SQUAD D.....2 GAMES
7.30PM.... SQUAD E.... 2 GAMES
CLOSE OF PLAY FOR THE DAY
REFRESHMENTS AVALIABLE AT THE LICENSED BAR NEXT TO THE SURF SHOP.

SATURDAY
10.00AM.... SQUAD E....2 GAMES
10.10AM....SQUAD D....2 GAMES
10.10AM....SQUAD E....2 GAMES
.............BUGGER IT,,, THERE ARE TOO MANY SQUADS TO LIST SO JUST WORK IT OUT FOR YOURSEVESF THAT EVERY TEN MINUTES THERE WILL BE A SQUAD OF 2 GAMES.............TAKE A PICK OF 3 SQUADS FROM SQAD A TO SQUAD ZZ.
SUNDAY
LANES 1 AND 2
USING THE LATEST FINALS FORMAT FROM MALLORCA, SPAIN....................NOT SURE WHAT IT IS, BUT HAVE BEEN TOLD EVERYONE WILL LIKE IT.

LANES 3-4-5-6 WILL USED FOR AN ART AUCTION M.C'D BY MR BOND.

MR SLIBUGGER HAS JUST INFORMED ME THAT THEIR IS AT PRESENT 40 ENTRIES.....SO BE QUICK AND GET YOURS IN POST HASTE.

GOOD LUCK AND HIGH SCORING

 

[trevor]

UPDATE..............

MR SLIBUGGER HAS JUST INFORMED ME THAT AN INCREDIBLE 452 ENTRIES HAVE NOW BEEN RECEIVED.....
SPONSORSHIP IS STILL GONG STRONG WITH ANSETT BEING THE LATEST.

PRIZE FUND AS FOLLOWS BASED ON THE CURRENT NUMBER OF ENTRIES.
1ST PLACE $15.....A FULL YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO RIVKENS STOCK REPORT.....
1 YEARS FULLY COMP CAR INSURANCE FROM HIH.
2ND PLACE. $14.....I WHEEL CHAIR FROM SKASE INVESTMENTS,....................1 YEAR TICKETS TO THE CANTEBURY DOGGIES
3RD PLACE. $13 .....100 FREE CALLS WITH YOUR MOBILE PHONE FROM ONETEL.
OTHER PLACINGS WILL BE DECIDE AS WE UPDATE.

GRAHAM HAS SECURED A LINK TO VIEW THE TOURNAMENT AND PROGRESSIVE SCORES ON www.youllgetshafted.robbed.heyu

ARCHIE ADVISES THAT YOU GET YOUR ENTRIES IN QUICK

 

[trevor]

UPDATE……………

MR SLIBUGGER IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE BOWL’S OWNER STEPHAN HAMPSTER, HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD ON THIS TOURNAMENT.
WITH NEW SPONSOR WORLDCOM POOLING INTO THE PRIZEFUND.

MR HAMPSTER ALSO TELLS ME THAT WE HAVE INTERNATIONAL BOWLERS ON THE ENTRY LIST,
THEY CONSIST OF 3 FROM LUXEMBOURG, 4 FROM MORROCCO, 18 FROM ANDORRA, AND 4 FROM COLUMBIA WHO HAVE ALREADY ARIVED IN BRISBANE BUT FOR SOME REASON CANT GET THRU CUSTOMS.

THE OILING PATTERN IS THE SAME USED IN THE 2002 LJUBJANA OPEN, SLOVENIA USING THE NEW GODFREY 2000 SUCKERUPPERER OILING MACHINE.
EVEN THOUGH THIS HAS NOT BEEN USED ON THE SAME LANE SURFACE AS “THE BAY” MR HAMPSTER ASSURES ME THE CONDITIONS WONT BE AS DRY AS A DEAD DINGOE’S DONGER OR AS SLICK AS THE INSIDE OF A MASSIVE MEXICAN MELLON.

STEPHAN IS ALSO IN THE PROGRESS OF ARRANGING ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE SATURDAY ARVO SQUADS THANKS TO THE LOCAL FIREWORKS BUSINESS “BONGS R US”.

MR HAMPSTER HAS JUST TOLD ME WE HAVE 93 ENTRIES THUS FAR.

 

[Tiger Bottomley]

Naming Rights

Trev,

Is there any truth to the rumour that ENRON have signed up for naming rights to this most auspicious event. Another rumour I've just heard is Anna Kornikova has offered all her winnings from tennis to boost the prize fund even further? Any truth?

 

[trevor]

UPDATE……….

CARL…..YOUR RIGHT ON THE BUTTON HERE…………..

ANNA KORNIKOVA HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT SHE HAS BECOME OUR NUMBER ONE SPONSOR THRU HER TRUST COMPANY “BARELY THERE LINGERIE”…….SHE WILL BE SPORTING HER NIGHT WEAR ( AND OTHER BITS) WHILE BOWLING IN SQUADS “B”, “U” ,“TT”.
ANNA’S FATHER IS BELIEVED TO BE ON THIS SAME TOUR WITH HER .
SO AS A PRECAUTION THE LOCAL BOWLING AUTHORITY “Coastaly Organised Neighbourhood Extremists Society” (CONES) HAVE SET UP SECURITY AROUND THE BAY.
IT SEEMS MR HAMPSTER IS UP TO HIS OLD TRICKS AGAIN, 1ST PLACE WAS ADVERTISED WITH 1 YEARS FULLY COMP CAR INSURANCE……..IT IS IN FACT ONLY 1 MONTH………REALLY STEPHAN, YOU MUST PAY MORE ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU SAY AND WHAT IS REALITY…TSK, TSK, TSK.

AS CARL HAS ALSO MENTIONED, “ENRON” ( Expert Newspapers Riting Obout Nothing)…..THE LOCAL RAG WHICH IS PUBLISHED FORTNIGHTLY, IS CURRENTLY NEGOTIATING A BIG $$$$ DEAL WITH ARCHIE SLIBUGGER FOR THE NAMING RIGHTS.
THE BAY BOWLERS LIKE THE IDEA OF MORE DOLLARS, AND HAVING A LOCAL BUSINESS WITHIN THE TOURNAMENT, BUT WILL NOT CHANGE THE “MUG” AT THIS STAGE.

THE RESPONSE TO THIS TOURNAMENT HAS BEED EXCEPTIONAL, STEPHAN NOW ADVISES US WE HAVE A WHOPPING 78 ENTRIES IN JUST THE FIRST WEEK…………..GET THE ENTRIES IN PEOPLE…….
QUICKLY!!!

 

[trevor]

UPDATE………………

AN ASTRONOMICAL RESPONSE TO THIS EVENT IS OCCURRUNG RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES…….
ANNA KONIKOVA’S PRESENCE HAS BROUGHT A FRENZY TO THIS EVENT. .
AT THIS MOMENT THE BOWL IS FRANTICALLY EXTENDING FROM 6 LANES TO 80 LANES TO COMPENSATE FOR THE MASSIVE ENTRIES ALREADY RECEIVED……
FORTUNATELY BYRON BAY’S MAYOR QUIMBY IS A LAND HOLDER OF THE ADJACENT PROPERTY AND HAS NEGOTIATED FOR THE LEASE, AND ALSO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE 1817 ESTABLISHED NATIONAL TRUST BUILDINGS THAT ITS ON.
STEVE HUNTS RETIREMENT PLANS ARE NOW ON HOLD AND HE WILL DON HIS TUBBY SHIRT FOR THIS EVENT.

AS NO 300 HAS BEEN BOWLED AT THE BYRON BAY BUCCANEER BOWL…….LOCAL BUSINESS GURU ( BORN IN SRI LANKA)…..MUSTAVA BROOMINMYARS….HAS KINDLY DONATED $10,000 FOR A PERFECTO.

I,M SURE THIS WILL INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF ENTRY EVEN FURTHER……

SPEAKING OF ENTRIES, ACCORDING TO STEPHAN HAMPSTER, WE NOW HAVE A WHOPPING 657 ENTRIES WITH SQUADS “B”, “U”, “TT” CHOC-A-BLOCK AND A RESERVES LIST OF 617.

GET YOUR ENTRIES IN SOON.
.

 

[trevor]

UPDATE………………

THE ENTRIES ARE STREAMING IN NOW…….OVER 800

WITH ANNA’S “BARELY THERE LINGERIE" DONATION OF 50 NIGHT GOWNS, THIS HAS PURSUADED OVER 40 WOMEN TO WEAR THE SLINKY NIGHT WEAR WHILE BOWLING…………JUST AS WELL ALL OUR AUSSIE WOMEN ARE TRIM AND FIT FOR THIS EVENT…..

A STORM WARNING TODAY AROUND THE BAY HAS PUT A HOLD ON THE EXTENSION OF THE BOWL, BUT ARCHIE SLY BUGGER HAS GUARENTEE’D THAT THE CENTRE WILL BE COMPLETED IN TIME…..……..REGARDLESS OF THE 60 KNOT GAIL FORCE WINDS AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEADS.

THE EXTRA 74 LANES ARE AT THE SITE AND READY TO MOVE INTO THE COMPLEX THAT WAS BUILT IN A RECORD 72 HOURS WITH THE HELP OF THE LOCAL ARMISH AND JEHOVA WITNESSES GROUPS.
ALTHOUGH THE CROSS LOOKS A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE AT THE FRONT ENTRANCE, “CONES” HAVE GONE WITH THE THEME OF BUCCANEERS AND HAVE HUNG THE SKULL AND CROSS BONES FLAGS AROUND IT.

MORE OVERSEAS BOWLERS ARE ON THERE WAY DOWN UNDER……..
BINDI INMYSOC FROM UZHBAKASTAN,
MOROVVA SUKOVF FROM RUSSIA,
DIDJABYME ACOCONUTT FROM PAPUW NEW GUINEI,
HOWERBOWT MESINGASONGFORYUU FROM INDIA,
BEKOSOV MYBIG,EN FROM FRANCE
IMA BIGGUY AND THATSWY SHEWANNALAYME FROM SINGAPORE
SHEJUZZ WONSTALIKKME FROM HUNGARY

GET YOUR ENTRIES IN……THIS IS GUNNA BE A RIPPER

 

[trevor]

UPDATE…………..
TRAGEDY AND DESPARE AT THE BAY

A STORM WARNING WAS ISSUED YESTERDAY FOR THE BAY AREA, ………UP TO 150MPH WINDS WHERE RECORDED NEARBY AND A 100 FOOT TSUSAMI HIT THE FORE SHORE OF A NEARBY BEACH………

CASUALTIES WHERE MANY……..

THE BOWL WAS FOUND INLAND NEAR GOOLMANGAR………THE 74 LANES READY TO BE ISTALLED WHERE SCATTERED NEAR WOOYUNG AND AS FAR SOUTH AS BALLINA ( THEY NEEDED A NEW SET ANYWAY)……
THE NEWLY BUILT CROSS WAS FOUND WRAPPED AROUND THE BLUE KNOB COUNCIL DEPOT AND THE 1600 PINS READY TO FALL, FELL INTO THE NEARBY COAL MINE, CAUSING THE MINERS TO STRIKE IMMEDIATELY……………

ANNA’S NICKERS WHERE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND FRILLY NIGHT GOWNS FLOATED GRACEFULLY DOWN THE LISMORE RIVER………RUMOUR HAS IT THAT PETE FOUND ALL 50 SETS AND IS SELLING THEM TO GEORGE……

SPONSORED GODFREY VACCUM CLEANERS FOUND THEIR WAY TO LENNOX HEAD, WHERE THEY ARE REPORTED TO BE SUCKING THE HEAD AWAY……..BUT NO CASUALTIES YET.

THERE WHERE 156 ENTRIES ON THE LIST ………….ARCHIE SLIBUGGER AND STEPAN HAMPSTER ARE AT THIS MOMENT WITH MR RIVKEN AND MR BOND……..THEY SEEM TO THINK THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR THE TOURNAMENT TO GO AHEAD AS SCHEDULED TOMORROW NIGHT AND URGE BOWLERS NOT TO THINK THAT IT IS A TOTAL CATASTROPHY .
INTERNATIONAL BOWLERS…………………WYDITTHAFTA PISDOWN FROM MONGOLIA………LARFATTA GAIBAHR FROM SRI LANKA………DEEPENNDSONNA RUMATE……..FROM BANGLADESH…………..
WHEELSEE BOUTTHAT FROM SOUTH AFRICA………… AND BUGGERMEE HOWDWEGETOVAHERE FROM INDIA ARE HEADING HOME NOW NOT PREPARED TO HAVE NO PRACTICE SESSION WITH MS KORNIKOVA.

MAYOR QUIMBY HAS BEEN REPORTED MISSING,………SOME SAY HE WAS SEEN WITH ANNA IN A LOCAL MOTEL JUST SHORTLY BEFORE THE MAYHEM, OTHERS SAY HE WAS ON A PLANE TO SPAIN.

UNOFFICIALLY THE TOURNAMENT HAS BEEN CANCELLED.

WE MAY LOOK FORWARD TO AN EVEN BIGGER EVENT NEXT YEAR……..

~THEN END~